The right comeback will make you come across as intelligent. It will remind your enemies not to mess with you. It will make you appear strong. Of course, you can also use funny insults on your best friends when they’re being a little too annoying. Here are the 80+ best insults to destroy your enemies, or more importantly, your best friends.
Comebacks and insults that will destroy your worst enemies
If you want to shut someone down when they start to get mean, you need to use one of these perfect comebacks:
- I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you.
- Someday you’ll go far. And I really hope you stay there.
- Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.
- I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
- Remember that time you were saying that thing I didn’t care about? Yeah, that is now.
- You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
- I’m busy right now, can I ignore you another time?
- Oh, you don’t like being treated the way you treat me? That must suck.
- I wish I had a flip phone, so I could slam it shut on this conversation.
- N’Sync said it best, “BYE, BYE, BYE!”
- I’ve been called worse things by better men.
- You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
- Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
- You bring everyone so much joy! You know, when you leave the room. But, still.
- How many licks until I get to the interesting part of this conversation?
The best comebacks ever spoken
If you want to get the last word into an argument, you need to use these great jokes:
- Keep rolling your eyes, you might eventually find a brain.
- Your face makes onions cry.
- Did I invite you to the barbecue? Then why are you all up in my grill?
- Our kid must have gotten his brain from you! I still have mine.
- You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
- If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
- You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
- It’s impossible to underestimate you.
- Wow, your maker really didn’t waste time giving you a personality, huh?
- Her teeth were so bad she could eat an apple through a fence.
- I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
- Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
- Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with personality.
- I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
- You are the human version of period cramps.
Good roasts to use on your friends and enemies the next time they annoy you
Don’t hold yourself back from saying what you’re thinking. Get the best comebacks and insults below:
- You’re cute. Like my dog. He also chases his tail for entertainment.
- You are like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
- You have an entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?
- Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
- Your face is just fine, but we’ll have to put a bag over that personality.
- I’m not a nerd. I’m just smarter than you.
- I may love to shop but I will never buy your bull.
- Child, I’ve forgotten more than you ever knew.
- I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste.
- Bye. Hope to see you never.
- Don’t worry, the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
- If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
- The only way my husband would ever get hurt during an activity is if the TV exploded.
- If you have a problem with me, write the problem on a piece of paper, fold it, and shove it up your ass.
- Complete this sentence for me: “I never want to see you ————!”
The funniest, most savage insults on the internet
Here are the best insults to use on your worst enemies, or more importantly, your best friends:
- I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
- You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
- Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?
- OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!
- Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
- I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
- I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies, how silly of me.
- Light travels faster than sound which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
- I’d rather treat my baby’s diaper rash than have lunch with you.
- You look so pretty. Not at all gross, today.
- I only take you everywhere I go, so I don’t have to kiss you goodbye.
- We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately, we’ve been married for 10 years.
- When you look in the mirror, say hi to the clown you see in there for me, would you?
- Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.
- That sounds like a you problem.
- You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.
The top smart-ass comebacks on the internet
If you’re going to use an insult, at least use a clever one. Here are a few of the best on the internet:
- I see no evil, and I definitely don’t hear your evil.
- I’m just glad that you’re stringing words into sentences now.
- Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.
- Mirrors can’t talk. Lucky for you, they can’t laugh, either.
- You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.
- You are proof God has a sense of humor.
- If I had a face like yours, I would sue my parents.
- You must have been born on a highway. That’s where most accidents happen.
- Grab a straw, because you suck.
- You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
- If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
- I’m glad to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.
- If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to your ego and jump to your IQ.
- I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
- Your only chance of getting laid is to crawl up a chicken butt and wait.
Comebacks to use on your best friends and family
Use the savage quotes below in order to show others that you are more intelligent than they are:
- Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job.
- I told my therapist about you.
- Take my lowest priority and put yourself beneath it.
- If you were an inanimate object, you’d be a participation trophy.
- Hey, you have something on your chin. No, the 3rd one down.
- I hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.
- People like you are the reason God doesn’t talk to us anymore.
- You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world’s mouth.
- If genius skips a generation, your children will be brilliant.
- You’re my favorite person… besides every other person I’ve ever met.
- You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
- I believed in evolution until I met you.
- You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.
- If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
- Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything!
The most hilarious, savage comebacks people will love
The quotes below are perfect for showing someone you can handle yourself in a fight:
- I know you are, but what am I?
- Yeah? Well, you smell like hot dog water.
- Isn’t it dangerous to use your whole vocabulary in one sentence?
- Sorry, not sorry.
- If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
- I do not consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- In the land of the witless, you would be king.
- I would prefer a battle of wits, but you appear unarmed.
- I like the way you try.
- I’m jealous of all the people who haven’t met you.
- People clap when they see you. They clap their hands over their eyes.
- When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change… except the direction I was walking in.
- You look like something I would draw with my left hand.
- I look ugly? Good. I was trying to look like you today.
Perfect insults to share with the people who annoy you
When someone insults you, don’t be afraid to use the comebacks below to insult them right back:
- I would never date you. I’m lonely, not desperate.
- I don’t have the patience or the crayons to explain this to you.
- My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.
- I’d say you’re ‘dumb as a rock,’ but at least a rock can hold a door open.
- I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.
- You’re a conversation starter. Not when you are around, but once you leave.
- First off: Brush your teeth.
- I find the fact that you’ve lived this long both surprising and disappointing.
- You’re impossible to underestimate.
- You should carry a plant around with you to replace the oxygen you waste.
- Somewhere, somehow, you are robbing a village of their idiot.
- You are the reason why shampoo has instructions.
- I’d give you a nasty look, but you’ve already got one.
- Mister Rogers would be disappointed with you.
- If you were the light at the end of the tunnel, I’d turn back around.
The insult that will shut down any argument
These insults are brutal, but they’re also hilarious. Share them whenever you get the chance!
- Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
- You should really come with a warning label.
- I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
- If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.
- I will ignore you so hard you will start doubting your existence.
- Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go.
- Too bad you can’t Photoshop your ugly personality.
- Don’t you get tired of putting makeup on your two faces every morning?
- The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.
- You see that door? I want you on the other side of it.
- Please just tell me you don’t plan to home-school your kids.
- If you’re going to act like a turd, go lay on the yard.
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
- Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?
- Jesus might love you, but everyone else definitely thinks you’re an idiot.
Insults that will make your enemies laugh aloud
These insults are going to convince others to stop treating you so poorly:
- You look like a ‘before’ picture.
- Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?
- May both sides of your pillow be uncomfortably warm.
- I am returning your nose. I found it in my business.
- What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
- Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon.
- I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and poop out a smarter statement than whatever you just said.
- Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
- Your only purpose in life is to become an organ donor.
- Who ate your bowl of sunshine this morning, thundercloud?
- Earth is full. Go home.
- You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
- There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.
- Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
- You fear success, but you really have nothing to worry about.
19 Smart-ass insults to destroy people who are rude to you
These are the best insults to use on anyone who gets on your nerves:
- The last time I saw a face like yours, I fed it a banana.
- As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
- Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
- Don’t try to think too hard. You’re so stupid it might sprain your brain.
- Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
- You’re living proof it’s possible to live without a brain.
- How much of a refund do you expect on your head, since it’s empty?
- Brains aren’t everything. In your case, they’re nothing.
- I have seen people like you. But I had to pay admission.
- Are you ever overwhelmed with the urge to tell someone to shut up? Because that’s how I feel right now.
- Two wrongs don’t make a right. Take your parents, for instance.
- I’d slap you but I don’t want to make your face look any better.
- I will slap you so hard even Google won’t be able to find you.
- One day, I hope you’ll choke on the crap you talk.
- You have a face only a mother could love.
- If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional.
- I hope your next blowjob is from a shark.
- You’re a bad person. Enough said.
- You’re the type of person who can’t read the room. You don’t understand when you aren’t wanted.
Great comebacks that come from famous quotes
Use these quotes to put your enemies in their place:
- “What, like it’s hard?” — Elle Woods, Legally Blonde
- “Well, the jerk store called, and they’re running out of you. – Seinfeld
- “Don’t get bitter, just get better.” — Alyssa Edwards, RuPaul’s Drag Race
- “Impersonating Beyoncè is not your destiny, child.” — RuPaul, RuPaul’s Drag Race
- “Where’d you get your outfits, girl, American Apparently Not?” — Trixie Mattel, RuPaul’s Drag Race
- “Go back to Party City, where you belong!” — Phi Phi O’Hara, RuPaul’s Drag Race
- “You are so full of crap, the toilet’s jealous.” — Jinkx Monsoon, RuPaul’s Drag Race
- “It looks like she went into Claire’s Boutique, fell on a sale rack and said, ‘I’ll take it!’”— Bianca Del Rio, RuPaul’s Drag Race
- “Check your lipstick before you come for me.” — Naomi Smalls, RuPaul’s Drag Race
- If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.” — Margaret Thatcher