The world’s biggest snitch is a plastic cake container.
1. Waking up in a panic to those ’90s album compilation commercials when you’re fast asleep.
2. Opening one of these stupid plastic containers and having the entire county know that you’re goin’ in for your third piece of cake.
3. Dropping a shampoo bottle while you’re showering and having someone knock on the door asking if you’re still alive.
4. The microwave beeping at 2 a.m. in a house full of people sleeping all ’cause you wanted a Hot Pocket.
5. And forgetting to avoid that one creaky floorboard while you crept your way to the kitchen.
6. A dad sneezing like he’s exorcising a demon within him.
7. And a dad pacing around the house while talking (aka basically shouting) on the phone. Bonus points if he’s got the phone on speaker.
8. Getting your eardrums blown out by the THX sound effect.
9. Eating some chips while you try and understand what anyone on the TV is saying.
10. Opening a can of soda in the middle of a quiet room and having everyone stare you down like you just killed someone.
11. Hell, opening any type of food as discreetly as possible always means you’re gonna make too much damn noise. I’m lookin’ at you, SunChips.
12. Accidentally flicking a door stopper and continually hearing its aftershocks 10 minutes later.
13. Getting a pot or pan out of the cupboard that’s filled with other pots and pans and making it sound like you’re putting on your own production of Stomp.
14. An AirPod alerting you in the most aggressive and traumatizing way that its about to die.
15. Flushing the toilet in the dead of night, ESPECIALLY at a house that isn’t your own.
16. Your rumbling stomach ONLY when you’re in a silent, crowded room.
17. And finally, loud microphone feedback followed by a person awkwardly saying, “Sorry about that,” before they make the mic do it again.
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