You probably know that the best thing to do is not to travel or do a big family Thanksgiving. The CDC says you shouldn’t do it. Epidemiologists say you shouldn’t do it. BuzzFeed says you shouldn’t do it. Even if your heart is crying out for human connection, your brain knows you shouldn’t.
This post isn’t about if you should (you shouldn’t). This post is about how to reach out to family and loved ones this holiday via that most American of ways — faded celebrities.
What better way to say “sorry I won’t be home for Thanksgiving, I don’t want to kill grandma” than with a Cameo? This holiday season, people across the United States are discovering the particular magic, once reserved for Hollywood writers, that comes from putting words in the mouths of attractive people you vaguely remember from television.
Cameo, of course, is the service where C- through Z-list celebrities will send a personalized video message for a modest sum. You just find the celeb you want, fill out a request with a name and a few details, and within five days you get a video. Most celebs range from around $100 to $250. The better-known people charge more, but there are plenty of budget-friendly options. Like Bob Clendenin (you’d know him if you saw him), whom you can hire to let your family know what terrible decisions they’ve made for a mere $30.
There’s plenty of precedent here if you are feeling uncertain. The guy who plays Commander of the Night’s Watch in Game of Thrones telling a girl she should give her ex-boyfriend another chance? Fifty bucks well spent! Michael Cohen telling someone his brother wants him to get the motivation to start working out again? You can’t put a price on that (although Donald Trump’s former attorney will charge $100). The lead singer of the Spin Doctors congratulating you on finishing chemo and singing, “If you / want to finish chemo / just go ahead now.” For $299, Carole Baskin will congratulate the compliance team at your office! You can even get Insane Clown Posse’s Shaggy 2 Dope to insult your old boss.
So, go ahead and grace your holiday un-gathering with the closest thing our modern world has to divinity. Yes, your mom is heartbroken that you won’t be there. It would take an eloquence you never learned and an emotional openness the world has burned away to heal that wound. So forget that! There’s no better way to laugh away those decades-old tensions than with the words of a desperate meat puppet.
That’s what I’ll be doing.
This year, my family is staying home, instead of convening at my sister-in-law’s like we usually do. And so I ordered her and my brother-in-law a Cameo from former MTV VJ Riki Rachtman saying I will be missing my sister-in-law’s famous spinach balls. As of this story’s publication, Rachtman, who is no Adam Curry, has yet to deliver. Riki, if you’re reading this, chop-chop.
Please, this year stay home, stay safe, and support your local celebs.